for a man
a chance,
the gold of reaping
in death slowly,
i see her,
never make leave
a fading blur,
eyes twinkle,
gold is found,
lost in more.

Noon was not a time for it. For the end of time itself, why time proper? She looked at the crowd, a stare of shiver. A hand of shiver. A mouth of unsettling saliva. A tear down unsettling cheeks. Rosy they were not, clear they were not. Not a stare missed hers. Not an eye, fixed otherwise. Here was noon. The time to end all time, and yet what a time. For the crowds a break from mundane. Work can wait, it did. Their eyes could not, they didnt. Tremble is a far feeble word for this dispair. Her tender neck, laid on hard wood. Rough with stink and sweat. Rough with time that ended, stood still, and ended. No time beyond this very rest. Her tender neck, the hard wood laid. Souls of many, parting jobs to see the soul of one. It passes they know. She knows, no time beyond this. Her eyes are blurry, her cheeks wet. Hard metal on soft skin. Man against nature. Flesh on metal, against flesh. Her soft neck........ Her hair parting...........

Today I was highly bummed. Still am. The urge to perform throttling me! And there as I was walking on the busy, dusty, full
of glaring headlights road, I look up to the see the crescent moon, setting. Following the sun closely towards the west.
There it was shining back at us. And then I start realising how out there is a world so hostile to life right in our field of vision,
and here we are thriving in billions not so far away. It made life seem so delicate. Like any disaster of astronomical proportions
could easily wipe us all out. Our thin atmosphere being the only thing keeping us from life and death. For a moment
everything seemed inconsequential. All of my life worries seemed mundane, stupid, foolhardy. Only for a moment, till a
glaring headlight brought my attention back down to earth, down to my gloom, my evening walk.

There is one thing about who I am that has always either irritated me or made me feel apart from the crowd. The distinctive inability to exaggerate. That is something I was never born with, and for sure I'm never taking into my grave. It always gets to me when I ask someone about, say a place or a movie and they blow it up to seem like its the worst idea to ever miss it or not go there, or whichever. And they never fail to make me feel like I have missed the greatest thing in my life ever. Now if it were true I would hold their judgment to high regard and truly respect their opinion but whether fortunately for me or not in most cases the outcome is always unsatisfactory. I'm never impressed by that place or that movie, at least not so much as is blown up by the person concerned. I never get it, why make something seem to be bigger than its not, if ever anyone asks me, unless it truly did blow my mind I never make it seem grander than what I think it to really be, and honestly I'm never way off my mark on most counts.

So I just absolutely hate it when people make me feel like crap for missing out on something, so when I finally do catch up with it, to my surprise, whatever, it turns to nothing. I just hate that, why build up something to be what it is not. One very recent example is quite simple the Batman movie, "The Dark Knight" . Now I know I'm commenting on this movie after ages, but I hadn't seen it when it released. I had seen all other Batman movies and I didn't think this would make much of a difference to catch up with later. So I let it be. Then I land in Ooty and people cant shut about the damn thing!! I mean come on, are you kidding me!! They make me feel like total crap for two months cause I never saw this film, and they go on and on about how amazingly great this film is and all that crap and I truly regret missing it. "Its got 9.5 rating on IMDB!!", "The greatest movie since the Godfather".... cut me some slack. So my friend gets this pirated version, and I watch 60% of the movie in his place a few days back (well he fell asleep and I was too sleepy to keep watching, not cause the film was boring, well cause I was damn tired so we paused it to continue later), and well its good, I mean I haven't seen it completely to really judge anything, but come on, amazing???? No way! It was not amazing for me! Not even close, a good watch I might say, nice to see in the big screen, and even worth your money, but never amazing!!!! What the fuck!! I have seen better movies out there, movies that made an impression on me 5 minutes into the film, and this was not one of them. My earlier judgment stood corrected its a nice batman film, and missing it will not kill me! Never am I going to get carried away by peoples stupid fancy!! When the hell will I ever learn not to get sucked in like this! I really need to stop giving people all the worth I think they deserve. Now how can anyone every judge a person to be cynical! Now from all my experiences (there are plenty of similar stature) I will have to filter whatever people say henceforth.

Actually I have at times experienced this great process happen in front of me. At times I have had the opportunity of going out with my fellow human beings and in such cases after we have been somewhere and seen something, I will have a moderate opinion off it cause it might not have left such a great impression on me, but the people who have accompanied me would not able to shut up about how great whatever they have experienced is. And I will be standing there gaping in complete horror and disbelief at the fact that this person in front of me was actually a psycho! And I here had happened to trust my company with such lunacy! Next time I got to be more careful about my company as well :S ! Yes so I have as mentioned experienced in complete horror, the unfolding of this great process in front of my naive eyes! Seriously a lot of people owe me big for all the emotional and mental trauma they have caused me for making me regret madly about absolute crap!!

Enjoy!

No one is telling anyone not to do so. Mostly me than others. I would never want to come between anyone's life and their enjoyment, but..... its when it starts intruding into mine that I could strangle the bastards that do so. Well my point is quite clear, enjoy it in your own space, why do you have to intrude into mine? Firecrackers are precisely that. There are nice visual firecrackers out there which make comparatively less sound, now those I really like, but when it comes to the intensely noisy ones, I hate beyond my core. I mean what is our fascination as a society to noisy objects that sound like gun fire and bomb blasts! I mean seriously come on, noise is by far the most violently intrusive of all other senses when found in excess. Im here sitting in my room, protected by two layers of concrete walls, and yet my ears are bombarded by intense noises of things getting blown up, reaching me through my head phones playing sound. Why? I question do people love to become deaf, how in hell is it pleasurable to hear sounds that can make even a young person deaf?? It is beyond me.... As an individual I hate sudden noises, for very apparent reasons that it does cause emotional trauma inside my head, whenever a loud horn is pressed, or something intensely loud suddenly springs up and then resonates into my ears, I cringe involuntarily, and get this crazy urge to beat up somebody........I hate this feeling!!

What hits most at my tranquil core is the annoying fact that our society has problems with people enjoying themselves in their own private space without intruding on others, but terrible nuisances like noisy firecrackers which are so loud at times that for many it causes severe emotional disturbances, is allowed without question. I know one would say its only for three days maximum the whole year, but come on, why should I ruin three days of my life for such mindless fun, of which clearly i cant trace any source.... I'm just baffled, and very angry.

That's why I loath society a lot at times, cause mass hysteria is almost every time unexplainable by everyone involved....and yet permissible.

Happy Divali!

Kids growing up to be their parents. Themselves becoming kids again. He who sat next to me was neither a boy nor a man. He did not live, merely whisked away time, he had plenty of which to spend. A harbour of living seconds whose utility which neither himself nor anyone anywhere could utilise. Utilise? Is that not what he thinks his life is about? Is it not me who runs from any form of utility. He was merely utility. I was an observer to the waste, to the fat of time he called life.

He was an example of time and a waste of it. A show of utility for his kids to exemplify. There was nothing worth observing, yet I observed. The same story I knew by heart. The same existence I saw everyday. He was the disease I wanted to fight. In front of me, my enemy, yet I could only observe. I closed my eyes and slept till I reached Ooty. I hate Tourists!

Hunziker and Krapf, in 1941, defined tourism as "the sum of the phenomena and relationships arising from the travel and stay of non-residents, insofar as they do not lead to permanent residence and are not connected with any earning activity."

Finally the truth or what I for now assume to be such reveals itself. My self, am just a shallow perfectionist. There is nothing in which I seek not to push myself through, and nothing for which I do not torture myself. I judge people based on this and as strictly as i bias my own humiliated mind-body I push others too into this intense scrutiny. Trying to find patterns in perfection and defining ones and others life through this shallow stream of predicted predictions. To be perfect is but to tread a path which has shown success to generations before. So then what is perfect, one has to but question and then see only to fall into a vortex of spinning infinity. Stop. Yes I must stop. My path is mine own, so is my body, so is my health. There is no other, nor will there ever be. So I shall chose my own destiny and not wait for my forefathers to pave a way that only I can see.

Hmmm.... posting through Flock ....... this is fun :) . A nice cheerful browser......

Time is passing my self beyond what I cant see but feel strong the winds blowing my face and eyes not to see I cant help myself to stop but keep pushing my frail mind body up forward as the dust pinches my face and blinds my eyes I taste dust and hope for the rains I just wished away yesterday.

I need to go or do I really this question keeps me down from walking through this dusty rainless pinching sky I want to see as I reach the end of this course but I wonder if I can find an end to this trail that I trace in my head hoping to escape is it right to wish such an exit or should I push myself to battle through an endless month's long battle of living through which one says must be bitten like a rotten rodent but I dont know if I can keep chewing my teeth have all rotten and in this black gummy jaw I smoke a nicotine fire of frustration I need to feel my white white teeth.

I dont feel BA or MA I feel nothing when days are despair and heart is cold I feel not a wisp of warm salty tears running through my dry dry cheek and I constantly seek escapes running briefly through the gaps that I can peep through but at what price for a thing I cant even feel for what price a life I dont even need for what price can I keep being a fool that I have twice been.

Run RUN RUN RUNNING to a through dust filled atmosphere kissing your tender face through every step amplified by a wind field on a rush the other way you're running from it teases and pushes you and you are mocked and lonely on this empty journey you feel nothing by yourself except for a strong weak voice hailing from some place above begging you to decide and push on for the blood and pain in standing still cant be seen even up above where it is beyond pretty.

There are certain feelings which can never come out in words. For a word to touch them would mean for them to be corrupted. There are certain feelings which language can never comprehend, hence they are stuck within you. Its hard to translate these into sentences, which someone else can understand. Even if you do translate them, their meaning is lost, their value fallen somewhere along the boundary. Its hard to explain feelings which can never be put into words. Its hard to break them out. They remain within you flowing quietly.....

hey boo,
how is everything. sorry could not call you on monday evening.... was too sad so didnt feel like talking to anyone, though i would have loved lying on your soft lap without saying a word, just lying and thinking and feeling.
things have taken a strange turn lately, though i dont know how i can explain it to you sitting here. probably when i meet you will explain everything.
i guess the root to all my dis satisfaction here is that fact that im not made for my course. i guess my decsion was made in a hurry to keep moving in life, and so now i regret it. its not about coming here, its about chosing what i did and then coming here with that choice. i guess i should have been wiser, should have been more calmer. Patience does pay, and actions done in haste do prick hard.
im finding it hard to keep staying on this course when i know through and through that this is not me. i think one must chose a field one is passionate in, rather than blindly go for something one feels one can vaguely do well in. i guess from then and now i have grown to see myself more wholly and respect what i am.
i dont know why im here or what it will mean for my future. i guess it now all boils down to a qualification.
but everyday i find myself battling within to just walk from all of this. to go back to india, to leave all this behind, and start fresh with something that i love. but then that in itself might be a spontaneous action, the very thing that got me into this trouble. so i must not haste. haste only leads to trouble, i guess i should have taken things more clamly, been more thoughtful about all of this. grown beyond the superficial.
images constantly taunt me. pictures, news, the media. they all glare at me, pushing me, teasing me, shouting back at me. i try to rush through them, but i can escape them. regret floods me, and an urge to run succeeds that every moment.
so every morning i keep battling an urge to either come back or stay. every morning a fresh argument to keep me going till the night. this is how i spend my days these days.
i have never counted on time more than i do now. tick tock. i wait for all this to end soon.

After living here for a while now, about 5 months, I have come to realise a very important aspect about relationships and people in general. That if you're really suffering regarding something, you cant really depend on anyone to understand what your going through. The suffering I'm mentioning here is the "Lost in translation" suffering. When I came here to the UK, I did arrive with certain expectations. These expectations about the country and the course did go pretty much to the trash, and I have felt a lot of sadness due to and associated with it, ranging from issues of loneliness, to feeling lost, to not being able to cope with the course. At first I thought it was a good idea to share these pains with people back in India, but slowly I have come to the realisation, that they might never know what I'm talking about. For many of them the glamour of coming to the UK will never leave their minds. I'm abroad, and that's all that matters. But the despair I feel goes deeper than that, much much deeper. But I'm afraid I can never expect them to know what it feels like within me. What sorrows I have to mop within my soul. Its futile to complain to them, so now I have found it easier to just say that its all okay, and its all fine.

After close to 3 months of waiting I have finally gotten an appointment for the 25th of Feb. Well it is close to a month away but for me its worth it. After waiting so long and going through two appointments, constant phone calls, writing a letter, going through the screening and loads and loads of waiting in the dark I finally get to see the doctor. This is by no means any less than meeting God himself. I might just as much touch his feet and start stripping at his command if things come to that.
Yes, after 22 years of gradual intellectual development, I have reached this peak of finally defining myself, my problems and finding out a possible solution to it all.
For me this is an amazing news. But then its tough to explain it to people, cause most people never get it. Many think that im going to the Doctor now cause im struggling with my course work at the moment. Well im not really struggling, in fact Im doing quite well. So hence they figure that Im going in for a quick fix solution to my 'studies' problem and hence they find it hard to understand when i tell them, cause they might feel that even since they are struggling in their studies, why cant even they just get diagnosed with something and pop a pill to solve everything. Well quite frankly this attitude hurts me. If im going to the doctor today its cause since the past 5 years I have planned and waited for this day to happen. Its not something I decided in one delusional day. It took me years of realisation, years of denial by everyone around me, years of reading and finding material to finally get here. I believe I deserve this, and if anyone looks at it otherwise like a lucky fluke or an attempt by me to escape my situation while they slither in pain, im sorry to burst your little bubble, but i have paid the price of my childhood schooling and countless punishments from parents and teachers cause they never saw it in their jobs to find out if i did in fact suffer from any form of Learning Disorder or not. Many people around me still live in denial about it. Well screw them, im finally setting a year of depression, four years of running around and my whole life time of insults from everyone around me into some form of a solution.
I deserve this, and i deserve to be happy, and i have reached here with no ones help, and i dont need any.

Wow! Ranting Helps :D feel much better now!

Can everything be reduced to a ratio? A simple ratio which can decide which way things turn. For me it might have been 2:1. Probably 2:2. I don't know, but all I know is that there is a ratio which I have missed, and for which I paid a price.

To drink without constraints and to misjudge ones capabilities, well I guess that's okay. To learn is to try things out, but then to learn beyond the confines of your little private space, can be a scary experience.

I guess its 2:1. For every 2 drinks, you need to eat at least once to counter the alcohol in ones blood, lest it develops to an embarrassing show of irresponsibility, only leading to sleeping on the table in a restaurant and then puking all the food you ate towards the end in front of your peers. 2:1 Dammit!

Slowly everything is becoming like before. Interest is waning, life is all a droop. I buy a sin which I shall hide from the world for eternity. Materialism at times is our only fleeting pleasure, until money sustains. Life needs more, it is when life is empty that we seek our joys in shops and glass cases. My life is now a consumer, an obsession is slowly germinating, a testimony to my empty life, a testimony of everything im experiencing now. My life is empty, nothing passionate, nothing deep. I cant even converse with my lover with feelings any more, I cant feel depth, Im just waiting for something. Im checking the mail everyday. Growing desperate, procrastinating very badly. Im slowly becoming a threat to myself, I will see myself to my end, maybe even a rotting pain. I feel very very very empty, save me..............................................

I find it highly interesting......
Today morning i get an email from the international office that they want volunteers to speak about their experience in UK and how they are coping and how things are different. Things like plagiarism, and coping with the work here.
So i plan to go, its at 3:30pm, and then it starts raining at 3 as i think of leaving, so i wait and watch some more episodes of "How i met your mother" online and then i saw that the rain wont stop and it seemed crazy to waste a day sitting at home especially when i was fully dressed up and since it didnt seem like the rain was ever going to stop, bbc.co.uk/weather said it woudnt, so i just decided to take the risk and experience how it is to share my opionins and meet other international students facing a similar problem. So i went in the rain with my rain sweater, its just an ordinary loose sweater which i dont mind it gets wet so i take the risk, and my cap to protect my head (okay now i got two more stories on this but after this entry) .

Now first off i thought they wanted to know about how i feel that the society here is very individualised as compared to india and hence how im feeling terribly lonely, but as i reached at 4:20 i realised she wanted me to address the gathering about the education system in india. well i did feel bad that i was going to bitch about my country to these foreigners, but, in my defense it has bruised me thoroughly so i had loads to say anyways.

Well as i walk into the hall and she is breifing me about what they expect me to speak, as im drenching, i see that there are just 2 others, with me it ebcomes 3. And it struck me, from all the international students only 3??? And i was the only Indian, fuck, for all their divali parties and indian traditions crap, i was the only indian to have the courtesy to address the problem about how other indians are struggling with the issue of plagiarism. there are like loads and loads of indians and no one turns up, i mean its weird, this was all about how their assignments will be judged and whether or not the university should be very strict or should help them out, etc, all this all bloody this and no one has the courtesy to turn up!! i dont have nay respect for any of them at all now, for all their indian society shit they only want to get drunk and laid, okay well so do i, but hell man nobody!!! i dont get it people all around me wont stop bitching amongst themselves, but no one cares to bitch in front of many professors. hmmmmm..... okay i feel kind of silly now, but anyways even though i was very scared cause i didnt realise there would be so many people willing to hear me out, i did speak, i spoke loudly, clerarely, a nuetral accent, i was doing great, apart from the fact that i never maintianed eye contact i spoke well, i even made them laugh a bit, amazing, i feel really cool, :D a big boost to my ego!!!! I mean im not just talking to some general crowd, these are all academicians, some of them quite high in their field and I was able to sustain their attention!!! freak thats amazing! im way up now!!! way to go!!!! high five!!!! ah.. well whats the point, there is no freaking body to share this with, bugger i need freinds :(

I dont get it when i say i have add no one believes me, and when some random guy comes along and says he is dyslexic people sympathise for him!!! whats with all this!!!
thats it i guess its the self doubt in my own voice, from now on its no more...
"i have add....i guess???"
it will be
"i have add, and dammit it took me 5 long years to reach this conclusion and by now i bloody know im right!!!!"

yes someone might ask why im obsessing about all this, well maybe its cause im finally happy that im not the lazy bozo everyone said i am, and using this they very carefully ruined my ego and all sense of self i had ever since i have been going to school. so it means i did put in all my effort and still got average marks even though i knew for what i put in i deserved more. the fact that i can systematically flunk any language test no matter how many hours i put into it. i manged to pass my arabic exams without ever learning a word of arabic, i used to just mug the symbols and answer them, by god with that technique i could have easily passed a mandarin exam with flying colours as well!!!
screw all those who thought im a loser making excuses!!! yeah your condemned to hell!!!!

Wait what am i yapping about!! for all i know the doc might just ditch me off as a hypochondriac!
well keep the faith bro!
yeah sheesh, im just the only human saying that, pro meds, woohoo!! sheesh!
no wait, that means im an addict!
oh my god, the smoke addiction beckoning me, this is just that extension!!

I guess im the first idiot who is happy to be medicated! im so screwed! well i hope it doesnt hurt to much, or i dont die in my sleep :S